It all began two and a half months ago. I was stoned and bored when the idea hit me. I didn't stop to debate the idea, I didn't stop to question the morality, I just knew it had to be done. And I did it.
I began by going to the nearest sex store. I perused their selection of rubber cocks, carefully picking out a nice variety of 25 dildos. The cashier gave me an odd look as I tossed my big bag of dicks on the counter, and all I could manage to do was flash her a shit-eating grin. A grin that said "Yes, I am a sick fuck. Thank you for asking." She seemed to get the point, and quickly rang up my questionable treasures.
Anyways, I threw the sack of dongs into the passenger seat and drove home. Slowly. Savoring my acquisition. I got quite a few odd stares from the people who saw my cocks at red-lights. For some reason, I got an erection while thinking of my devious plan. I jerked off while driving home. Nearly hit a small black kid. Cursed myself for missing.
Upon arriving home, I immediately went to work. Smelling the dildos to get a feel for how well each one would work, preparing the garden, etc. I grew hard while thinking about how the neighbors would react to this, in spite of my earlier tryst with my schlong.
I went out to the garden after I had finished up, and began digging the holes. The holes that would bring me much FAIL. A neighbor of mine jogged by, observed me digging holes, and asked if I was starting a garden. I chuckled lightly and said "Yeah, I was thinking about growing some dickweed." He gave me an odd look and quietly hurried on his way.
I placed the first dildo into the ground slowly, deliberately, savoring the moment. I gently pushed it into the dirt until just the tip was sticking out. I lovingly packed the dirt around it to keep it standing straight. I did the same with the others
And so my plan was in action. Three times a day, you could spot me out in my garden, watering my cockfarm. I smiled and waved to the people who stared in bewilderment, the people asking themselves "What the fuck is wrong with this guy?"
I always got an erection when that happened. Anyways, I'd water the dicks during the day, and in the middle of the night, I'd pull them slightly up out of the ground. Giving them the illusion of growth, which further confused my neighbors.
Day after day after day, I tended to my sausage-garden. I could be spotted talking to my cocks as if they were actual plants. Over the course of two months, my cocks thrived in their new home.
Then disaster struck. I have no idea who did it, or why, but they did it regardless. I awoke one morning, prepared to carry out my usual routine, when I noticed something amiss in the garden.
My cocks were gone. THEY WERE GONE. Someone had stolen my rubber dicks.
I cried over my garden for hours, drawing the attention of my next door neighbor (who happens to be extremely hot). She asked me what had happened, and I informed her of the theft.
Now, even though she was among those giving me the odd looks while I grew my cocks, in spite of the sheer fucked-up-ness of my plan... she comforted me. She played along.
She said it was likely some local crackheads looking to sell my garden's contents to get the cash needed to continue their habit. She offered to help me talk to the police regarding the theft. I took her up on the offer, determined to see just how far she'd go to make a weird neighbor feel better.
Anyways, we spoke to the police about the theft, who meticulously documented everything we said. She was a champ, playing along perfectly. Or perhaps she wasn't just playing anymore. I couldn't tell.
Regardless, when the police asked what kind of plants we were talking about, she's the one who provided the answer. Dildos. 25 rubber penises.
The cops laughed their asses off. The guy who seemed to be in charge asked "No, really, what kind of plants?" She repeated her answer. The police gave us the biggest "what the fuck" look of all time.
I'm dragging on, though. The cops left shortly afterwards, promising to catch the "Dick Bandit" as soon as possible. "Fucking assholes," I said to my neighbor. She nodded in agreement with me.
She invited me over for a cup of coffee, stating that I needed a friend at a time like this. I began to wonder if she thought I was retarded, or if she was being serious. Either way, I ended up in her kitchen drinking some coffee with her.
I don't know what compelled me to do it, but the reality of the situation had hit me. There was an extremely hot chick in front of me. I leaned in to steal a kiss, only to find that it wasn't necessary. She moaned into my kiss, forcing her tongue into my mouth.
All thoughts of the stolen cocks had fled from my mind in face of the new situation before me. We kissed passionately in her kitchen for a good 15 minutes before I decided to go a step further. I ran my hand up her shirt. Not only did she not stop me, she pulled my hand up further. I suggested that maybe we should go to her bedroom. She agreed.
We arrived in her room, and I instantly went to work. I tossed her on the bed, ripped her clothes off, and began to fuck her brains out. She was absolutely amazing, moving in perfect harmony with me, grinding against my cock just the right way.
Right when I was about to come, I braced myself against her pillow. That's when I felt it. Something hard and dick shaped hiding beneath.
Now, every chick out there has a rubber dick. Proven fact. I decided to incorporate it into our act of passion, so I pulled it out from under the pillow. It was a 16 inch black double ended dildo. It had dirt on it.
THIS was the Dick Bandit! The very chick I was fucking at that moment was the thief who stole my cocks! I gasped in surprise, prompting her to ask me what was wrong.
I showed her the fake penis in my hand, and her look of concern instantly changed into one of anger. She punched me in the face. I started bashing her in the head with the rubber cock.
She kicked me off of the bed, ran to her dresser, and grabbed another one of the stolen dicks from within. I got off of the floor just in time to parry her thrust and counterattack with the dildo in my hand.
I quickly retreated into the hall, and turned back towards the room just in time to see yet another stolen penis flying at me. It struck me square in the face, busting my nose and knocking me down the stairs.
As I was trying to gather my senses, she pounced on my back. Began striking me with a stolen farmcock. I threw my elbow back blindly, shattering her nose. I shrugged her off of me, and began my counter-offensive.
Repeatedly, I struck her with the double-ender. As hard as I could. She rolled onto her back to try and fend me off, but I continued to pound her with the rubber cock. I could feel her ribs cracking under the force of my blows. I continued to strike her, but she managed to find an opening in my attack.
She kicked me. In the dick. My actual dick, not the dildo. I reeled from the force of her attack, and vomited on the floor. She took this opportunity to strike me in the side of the head with a dildo.
Fortunately, her second attack didn't carry the force of her first, so I recovered almost instantly. I socked her in the face with my bare fist, sending her sprawling onto her stomach.
Wanting to push my advantage, I lept upon her back and began to choke her with the 16 inch double headed dildo. She gagged and gasped for air as I put more and more force into my attempt to strangle her.
I was absolutely terrified of what would happen should she escape, so I continued to choke her with her stolen bounty. She thrashed around, trying to throw me off of her, but at 360 pounds, I'm a force to be reckoned with.
Her thrashing became less pronounced, her gasps of protest slowly dying along with her. And for some odd reason... I regained my erection.
I came on her back (we're still naked, keep this in mind) right as her body went limp. I immediately freaked out. What sort of jury would ever believe my story? I was absolutely boned, and not in a good way. So I tried to hide the body.
I began by cleaning the vomit off of the floor. I searched her house and found all 25 of my stolen rubber cocks. That's when the idea hit me.
It was a stroke (no pun intended) of absolute genius. I waited until nightfall, and dragged the body of the Dick Bandit to my garden. I dug a shallow grave for her corpse, and rolled the body into it. I covered it up with dirt, taking great care to hide any signs of the grave.
When I was at last satisfied with the results, I enacted the second phase of my plan. I dug holes right above the corpse. I firmly, yet gently, placed 25 rubber cocks into the holes, lovingly packing dirt around them to keep them standing straight.
I've been tending to my cock farm for two weeks now, and the police are still searching for the Dick Bandit, in more than one way. I've become absolutely paranoid in this time. I'm afraid that somehow the body will be discovered. I'm terrified that my cockgarden will be dug up, revealing the corpse of my neighbor.
And so my story ends. I'll continue to water my cocks, talk to them as if they were actual plants, and maybe the neighbors will continue to think that I'm just a man of questionable sanity. Absolutely batshit insane, but harmless.
However, we know the truth of my dickfarm. We both know the truth.